I’m sure you get them, those email forwards that contain supposed “sayings” of people like Andy Rooney, or lists of misunderstood lyrics, or funny phrases attributed to second graders writing about their mothers, or faux paux that made it into church bulletins? You’re never sure where they originated, but you laugh because they’re sometimes funny, even though you know some guy with too much time on his hands probably wrote them and sent them into cyberspace.
Well, my friends, the following list of one-liners are all original and all came out of the mouth of my sometimes confused yet always sweet and naive friend Amy.
Amy works for our local newspaper, the one I write my column for. While she’d rather forget she said them, her boss began writing down Amy’s comments so he can quote them accurately. That’s how a newsroom works: NO ONE is cut any slack. After all, a quote is a quote and all journalists love a good quote as well as a really good laugh at someone else’s expense.
I’d thought about forwarding them to everyone on my email address list and see if they got forwarded even further into that never-ending email loop in cyberspace. (How many times do you get the same stupid forward from 10 different people in one day?) But because I hate mass forwards, it seemed a hypocritical thing for me to do. I still felt the best ones deserved a place on the web, though, and so, without further ado, I give you “Amy’s Deep Thoughts and Sexually Clueless Comments.” Keep in mind that Amy DID NOT realize the sexual nature of most of these quotes as they came tumbling out of her mouth. Seriously. She’s THAT naïve. And I love her for it.
“B-94 radio had a brother and sister kissing each other for N’Snyc tickets. For an hour and 50 minutes. AN HOUR AND 50 MINUTES! That’s when I got off….”
“Hmmmm, he does look a little like Harry Potter. Does he ever whip out a little wand and try to poke you with it?”
“I always have to eat out the nuts…”
“I always chew the nuts off…”
“We don’t do much with Beaver Licking….” (FYI: Beaver and Licking are names of townships in Clarion County where we live.)
“Looks like I’m going to have to ride the mustache…” (She was referring to having to remind one of the males writers in the newsroom that he had a column due that week. The man has a mustache.)
“I don’t like hard things in my soft things…”
“I wouldn’t let a bunch of lesbians keep me from getting a full ride…”
“Show us a little skin, Nick. Noooo, just the head.”
“It was known as the smelly beaver….”
“That’s a good local story if it happens locally…”
“I just want to get my hands on what he’s giving everyone else…”
“Sitting on someone’s face can be disturbing.”
“How does the little pecker look in his pants?”
“It’s hard when it gets in there a couple of times… That sounded bad. I mean it’s hard when he gets in there a couple of times…”
“I almost knocked the little berries off your bush…”
“Have you ever eaten beaver? Have you ever eaten snapper?”
“It’s always about you and your meat…”
“I don’t like when the bun doesn’t stretch over the meat…”
“That’s a lot of meat, you must be very happy…”